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Such great heights - The postal service. |
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Here's and update.
It's a turning point.
I can't even begin to express how i feel today. I had my first session of therapy, for, like, years. It was really, really scary. And i cried. I didn't mean to. The woman was asking me how i felt. It was just.. everything. They filmed & recorded me. And it felt really strange because people were watching me behind the screens and my mum got really angry with me about one of the things I said. Which made me more unhappy. It was just fucked up. She kept asking me how i felt and i didnt't know what so say because I don't know how i feel, and I don't know who I am. And let me just say now that this might be emo but it gets better. Maybe. I just feel so ... overwhelmed at the moment. Like i kinda can't do anything right? I lost a good friend last year over something really stupid. It wasnt anyones fault. It was just stupid. And people are saying stuff to me about it that makes me really angry like "Don't you miss her?" or "Stop blaming her." I don't actually blame her. I just feel like (and i know i was accused of doing the same) she made out she was SOOOO hurt and SOOOO upset and SUCH a victim. I did actually try and talk to her, but she misinterpreted stuff, and it all went wrong. And to be honest, while it deeply hurt me, I actually can't be bothered, because what happened was actually nothing to do with her. It was to do with the fact that i got used, and was hurt as a result. Whether she wanted to talk, or needed to talk, was irrelevent, although i'm sorry she was hurt. And truly, i am. I don't actually LIKE hurting people, contrary to popular beleif. It's just, there's so much going on on a much bigger scale. This brings me quite appropriately to what I need to say next, which i talked about to stevie a while ago. And that is, of course, Quin. Beleive it or not, I actually know what it looks like. Why? Why would i go out with someone who totally and completely used me, and who lost me a good friend? Well, it's all kind of simple and complicated at once. I don't want to be patronising or fake, but... Alot of people don't get it. And i'm sure I'll be surprised at how many people do, but whatever. Anyway. It's simply because I love him. I love him so much i can't explain it. I know love is pictured to most people as pukey and picnics and flowers and shit. It's so not. To be emo.. Love hurts. I'm fifteen, and i think anyone who says 15 year olds dont know what love is, is talking SHIT. Anyway. Enough about Love. I hate it. The things I am trying to say here are not coming out right. The point is, the reason I am with quin, is because i forgave him. I found out a LOT of stuff i hadn't been aware of, which I am not going to share, because it's personal to him, but what i might give you the gist of, if you should decide to talk to me about it, which you probably won't. He went through a lot of shit, and as someone who has taken a lot of shit, i know what that feels like. I also know that when experiencing such shit, having someone CONSTANTLY yell at you about how much of a fuckwit you are is kind of wearing. Also, if that someone is someone you used to talk to alot... it hurts to not have them. So then we started talking. And one thing lead to another. I've never met a single person who understands me in the way he does. It's not even that he knows who I am as a person. There are at least three people who know me better. The point is, he understands. And even if he doesn't... He tries.(Please, pass me a bucket, or shoot me in the head if i ever say something as disgusting as this again.)
I never meant to hide it from you either. This just kinda all stems from a fear i can't really deal with right now which i will come to in a minute. I didn't tell everyone/anyone because i couldn't really deal with reactions i might get due to the above. I tried explaining this to Stevie. I think I did better there than I am doing now. I just feel like my head is going to explode. I've got a revision time table. It's packed. I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what I'm doing with my life, or where it's going. I'm scared because I'm worrying that i'm changing in difficult and incomprehensible ways. I'm also scared because my Dad is having a nervous breakdown. It's really really strange. At the moment, i'm seeing them alot because of zeidi, and i guess i'm kinda getting better at the whole family relationship thing. I've never been good at it. But.. my dad has changed so much. He's become kind, and gentle, and nice to be around, but also, he's receded in age. It's like talking to a child. He becomes avidly religious, getting up at six fifteen to pray, where before he wouldn't rise til at least ten. He did a very very scary thing the other day, which was to stand in the living room, rip his shirt apart, the cuffs torn off... etc. And then his trousers. Until he looked like someone who just died. He broke down in tears. I've already been terrified of my dad crying, because i've never seen it, and only heard it for the first time a month ago. I've also never seen a nearly fifty year old man collapse on the floor with wails linked to a two year old. The whole of my family is loudly and obviously falling apart. It's a little bit fucky. But life goes on. I also have some other stuff I want to say. Erin, I am sorry we've had this disagreement, and that you feel the way you do. I never meant to come across that way, and I hope you can forgive me. I know it's not a big deal, but it means alot now because i'm vaguely unstable. Sinead, I'm sorry for everything, I guess. I don't know what's happened, but... yeah. I don't really know you anymore, and I'm sorry about that. Suzi, Thanks for being there. Ditto Holly. Thanks to lauren for being generally nice. And Sophia for making me laugh. Thanks to Anni^^ for being supportive every step of the way, and Leanne for understanding. Thanks to zoe, for being zoe, and Alex for behaving in a stable type way. Kinda. Mary, Thankyou for being innocent. Simone, thanks for being living manga. Thankyou to anyone who's ever left me a comment. I always end entries like this one, like that. I refuse to let it be so. For those of you who have read this far, i am SO SO sorry. But this entry isn't done yet.
I have an awesome life. I know awesome people. I have an awesome time. It's like LIVING IN A DOHNUT to use Ross Noble's comments on "awesomeness". Neverthless I am very volatile and selfish, and alot of the time don't treat people how i should. For that I am sorry. I guess this entry serves the purpose of allowing me to say what i felt i couldn't say before. I'm trying to do this through poetry but it comes out all emo. Besides. I just wrote the poem that put me somewhere between cloud nine and eternal bliss, that i'm really proud of. Hence, have writers block, and anything i try to write makes me unhappy.
Some of you might look at this and be like "Yeah. whatever" and that's okay. I'm talking a lot of crap. But... It's just. Yeah. I can't explain how totally serene I feel. The fact i'm in a relationship that is completely fucked up, doomed from the beginning, and that no one gets except the two involved... well. It makes me feel like I am immortal.
It's okay, it's over now. If you want me to put it behind a cut, message me, or comment.
I love you all, so much. All of you. And if you're thinking "I bet she doesnt mean me" I do. Every single one of you.
This entry is public, because there's alot of stuff that should've been said long ago.
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